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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25834045">Truthfully</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyCpher/pseuds/IvyCpher'>IvyCpher</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Crying, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Past Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Post-Break Up, Post-Episode: ACCEPTING ANXIETY Part 2/2: Can Anxiety Be Good?, Sad, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:40:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,258</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25834045</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyCpher/pseuds/IvyCpher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Janus still isn't over Virgil a year after their breakup, but it's his own fault. He keeps going to Virgil's old room and wearing his old hoodie. Finally, Janus has enough and returns the hoodie in an attempt to move on.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Truthfully</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Janus knew it was best if he didn't go there anymore, but sometimes he couldn't help it. Sometimes he fell into his old morning routine on stopping by before breakfast. Sometimes his feet took him there while his mind was in a different place. And sometimes… Sometimes Janus just couldn't resist the pain of visiting Virgil's room for that hope of a sliver of comfort that never came. Just like he was then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their half of the Mind Palace was quiet, too quiet. Janus' footsteps seemed to echo down the empty halls and he had the brief thought that Remus must be out in the Imagination, wreaking havoc or sparring with the Dragon Witch. For whatever reason though, Janus was glad Remus was gone, he needed quiet. His head hurt and his chest ached with that phantom pain of a heartbreak that never truly healed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he reached Virgil's old door, Janus stared at the old and peeling, purple star stickers covering the door. He reached up and touched one of the stickers, remembering the day he and Virgil put them there together. One day, that hallway had been barren, empty… Janus couldn't even remember if there even had been a hallway at all before, but he did know that one day it was just </span>
  <em>
    <span>there</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And when the hallway appeared, there also appeared a single door with it, Virgil’s door. The new hallway with the door had led to the best thing in Janus’ life, he just didn’t know it all those years ago. Because the day Janus discovered the door was… was the day that he met his first love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shaking himself free of that long ago memory, so long that Janus and Virgil didn't even have proper names besides their functions as Deceit and Anxiety, Janus slowly moved his hand to the door knob and opened the door. As soon as he stepped inside the room he could smell the old hints of vanilla from Virgil's wax burner. He took a deep breath in of that smell and flicked on the light switch by the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the lights came on they revealed empty, grey walls, barren of everything but old holes where posters were once tacked up and a few forgotten command strips. Janus looked around and tried to remember the room as how it used to be, but everytime he visited the details just became fuzzier and fuzzier inside his mind. The only thing that stayed even remotely the same was the bed in the corner of the room. No blankets remained on the bed, just soft, dark purple sheets and two lonely looking pillows with matching cases.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Carefully, like he might disturb someone, or really- like Virgil might randomly show up and ask him why he was snooping in his old room, Janus stepped over to the bed. He took off his gloves and carelessly tossed them to the floor before running a bare hand down the bed’s purple sheet. So many times before Janus had touched those sheets, laid in them with Virgil. Even though those memories were old, of him and Virgil together in Virgil’s old bed, Janus could remember them clear as day. With a sigh, Janus sat on the edge of the bed and let his eyes close and mind wander.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So many memories were encompassed in that room, so many.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus remembered when Thomas was questioning his sexuality, the never ending questioning of himself and his worth. It wasn’t a hard time just for Thomas, but for his sides as well. Virgil, Janus remembered, was never one to discuss the topic of Thomas’ homosexuality in those days, but Janus knew how much it stressed him out. Virgil worked day and night back then, making Thomas worry and fret and all else about his sexuality, but alone- he was just as anxious as he made Thomas, if not more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus wasn’t worried much about Thomas’ sexuality back then, but what coming out (whenever and </span>
  <em>
    <span>if </span>
  </em>
  <span>ever that might’ve been) would have meant for him. Though it was his job back then to help Thomas lie about his sexuality and help him pretend to be straight when he was around others, he also found himself spending a great deal of time with Virgil. At first he thought it was because he wanted to comfort him, his friend, in such a stressful time; but as the weeks passed into months of them staying hauled up in Virgil’s room together and talking over the television programme they were supposed to be watching, Janus realized that he wasn’t just there because he wanted to comfort Virgil but because he loved him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Janus figured out he loved Virgil, he did the only thing he knew how to do: </span>
  <em>
    <span>he lied about it. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He lied and pretended that he just thought of Virgil as a friend. He lied and stopped sitting close to him like they used to because he was scared of touching Virgil. He lied to himself about the dreams he had at night about them kissing, pretending that he didn’t even dream at all. Janus lied about every single thought that ran through his head about Virgil. He didn’t want to get his hopes about seemingly little things that Virgil would do, like asking Janus to sleep with him after having a bad dream, or holding Janus’ hand when they sat together, or looking at Janus whenever a romantic moment in a movie came on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With how much Janus lied to himself about how he felt and what was going on between him and Virgil that one could imagine his surprise that day, seemingly forever ago when Virgil had kissed him for the first time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Janus had been just leaving Virgil’s room for the night, it was late and he was tired. “See you tomorrow then, Virgil?” He asked, already outside the door. Even though he loved being around Virgil, it was hard. It was getting harder for him to lie about his feelings. Becoming harder not to look at Virgil’s lips when he spoke or his bare stomach whenever his shirt hitched up when he pulled off his hoodie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What better way is there for me to spend my Sunday nights than with you?” Virgil responded with a nervous smile. “Bye, Jan.” He said quickly, looking away from Janus to crack his knuckles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Giving a gentle wave of goodbye, Janus turned around and heard the door shut behind him. He sighed as he started down the hall, running a hand down his face. Despite his tiredness, he knew he would have one of the hardest times falling asleep peacefully, or really the hardest time falling asleep without first jacking off to the thought of Virgil. And while that embarrassed Janus entirely (it was also one of the harder things for him to lie to himself about), it was just the truth. Virgil had become such a common late night thought that Janus could hardly get him out of his mind anymore. So lost in his own thoughts, Janus didn’t even hear Virgil’s door open again or Virgil’s footsteps as he approached him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Janus-” Virgil said from directly behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus stiffened, and for a second he was worried that Virgil knew what he was thinking. He shook that idea from his mind though and turned around. “Is something wrong?” He asked, seeing nervousness all over Virgil’s face. When Virgil didn’t answer after a moment, he started again, a hint of concern in his voice. “Are you having a-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But before Janus could even finish what he was saying, Virgil had leaned down and was kissing him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus’ surprise had gotten the better of him and caused him to muffledly make a noise against Virgil’s lips, which made Virgil pull away, looking sorry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both just stared at each other for a second, Janus with his mouth open and unable to form a coherent thought, and Virgil fidgeting with his hands and looking like he might bolt back to his room at any second. Finally, Virgil spoke, his speech so fast that Janus almost couldn’t put together what he was saying. “Janus, I’m so sorry. That was stupid and I shouldn’t of done that,” He shook his head angrily, “You hate me, you hate me now don’t you? Ugh, I’m such a goddamn idiot- of course you don’t like me now. I fucking kissed you and ruined every-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was how Virgil was talking that snapped Janus out of his surprise. Quickly, he put a finger to his lips and simultaneously, Virgil slapped his hand over his mouth. Virgil looked at Janus confusedly while Janus sighed and lowered his hand from his mouth, Virgil’s hand fell too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell was that for?” Asked Virgil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Deceit and deception is </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>job, Virgil.” Janus said simply. He shook his head and stepped closer to Virgil, “Virgil- I don’t hate you, I don’t dislike you in the slightest.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unsurely, Virgil looked down at Janus. He bit his lip, “Truthfully?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Truthfully.” Nodded Janus. He felt so happy but so confused at once. He had lied to himself about how Virgil acted towards him that he had actually begun to believe it was all true. Janus slowly put his hands on Virgil’s shoulders and looked him in the eye. “I didn’t dislike the kiss either,” He smiled embarrassedly, “It was just the last thing I expected.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking away, Virgil hesitated, “Are you saying-... You actually like me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking his hand off Virgil’s shoulder, Janus cupped Virgil’s cheek and gently turned his face so they could look at each other. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.” He smiled softly, “Actually no- I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>like </span>
  </em>
  <span>you, Virgil.” Virgil’s eyes widened and he took in a sharp breath, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I-I have for over a year actually....”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fear melted from Virgil’s face and he shook his head, “Don’t do that-” He mumbled, hesitantly moving his hands to Janus’ waist. “Jesus Christ…” He murmured, “You’ve really liked me that long? I can’t believe that… Um,” His hands on Janus’ waist fluttered, “Do you want to come back to my room? I know it’s late, but I’d really like to talk about this more. Plus-” he grinned softly, “Maybe we can try that kiss again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Returning Virgil’s grin, Janus nodded. He looked down at Virgil’s hand on his hip then back up at Virgil, “I’d love that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then instead of talking when they went back to Virgil’s room, they had spent a great portion of the night making out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even though the memory was great, amazing really, when Janus opened his eyes tears slid down his cheeks. He quickly wiped his eyes with his wrist and through his blurry vision he saw Virgil’s closet door. He knew what was in there, he knew that he should have gotten rid of it when Virgil had left, and most importantly Janus knew that he shouldn’t open the closet to look at it. With wobbly legs from sitting down for such a long time, Janus stood up and did the thing that always made him feel like shit but also made him feel the smallest bit better for only a second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus walked over to the closet, opened it, and pulled out Virgil’s old, black hoodie. He held it in his hands and squeezed it tightly, feeling it’s soft inner fabric. Then, without caring enough to shut the closet door, Janus went back over to Virgil’s old bed and sat down with the hoodie. He rubbed it against the scaly side of his cheek and sighed, “I cannot keep doing this.” He spoke softly, pulling the hoodie away from his face. “It’s inane.” But even as he said this, he was unzipping the hoodie and then slipping it on over his clothes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Comfort. That was why Janus did such unhealthy things. He wanted comfort more than anything. He didn’t want to feel the pain of not being with Virgil anymore, but what he was doing was not helping. He knew by coming there, to Virgil’s old room, and bringing out the only thing he had left of him was unhealthy, obsessive even. But for Janus to bring himself to stop coming there and to even get rid of or return Virgil’s hoodie always seemed like it would cause him more pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking in a deep breath, Janus sighed. The weight of the hoodie was hardly noticeable, but still, just the knowledge that it was there gave him a fleeting sense of happiness. He ran his hands over his arms, carefully feeling the fabric of the hoodie. “I really have to stop this.” He told himself, though it was the same thing he told himself the last time he came into Virgil’s room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking around the desolate room, Janus only felt sad, but then again, visiting that place had only made him happy when Virgil was there. “Perhaps…” He was talking to himself again, “I could stop coming here if I tried.” He hesitated and looked down at the hoodie, “Or if I had nothing to keep me from returning.” As much as Janus hated the idea, he thought about giving the hoodie back to Virgil. The hoodie was a token of the past to Janus, a reminder that what he and Virgil had was gone. If he gave it back… maybe he could actually move on and forget his heartbreak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Standing slowly from the edge of the bed, Janus carefully peeled off the hoodie and laid it down. He didn’t want to forget what he and Virgil had, but he couldn’t truly appreciate the good times they had together if he was still hung up over him. He needed to move on. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to move on. Gingerly, like the hoodie was made of glass, Janus zipped it up and neatly folded it into a square. Then he stepped away and looked at the hoodie, then around him at the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus wondered just how such little, insignificant things such as an old hoodie and an empty room could hold him back in such a way. But then the thought crossed his mind that it wasn’t the room and the hoodie that were holding him back, but himself. Janus was the one who made a conscious decision to stop by Virgil’s room, to keep his hoodie. That was all on him. The thought made Janus cringe at himself, how he was acting. But it was also hard for him not to act such a way, to let go of those things. “But they won’t bring him or what we had back.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Turning away from the bed so he wouldn’t have to look at the hoodie, Janus saw his gloves on the ground and leaned down to pick them up. He pulled them back onto his hands and sighed as he ran his hands down his chest. That was the farthest he had ever gotten in getting rid of Virgil’s hoodie, or really… it was the first time he had ever tried to get rid of it in the near year that he and Virgil had been broken up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But even with how much Janus loved it, he didn’t want to be held back by the hoodie anymore. He wanted to remember how he and Virgil used to be without being saddened by even his happiest memories with him. Turning around to face the bed, Janus grabbed up the hoodie and stuffed it under his arm. Then, after giving the room a quick once over, he sunk out. He did it quickly so that he wouldn’t have time to rethink his decision, because Janus knew that if he did sit there and think about it for even a minute longer he would have never been able to go through with what he was about to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus had his eyes closed when he appeared in the hallway of the Light Sides, outside Virgil’s door. He opened them and his breath caught in his throat to see the door covered in the same purple star stickers that his old door had. He couldn’t help but wonder if Patton, Roman, or Logan helped Virgil decorate his door with them. He was just reaching out to touch one of the stickers when he thought better of it and pulled his hand back. That wasn't what he was there to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Giving the hallway a quick look around to make sure that no one was coming, Janus readjusted the old hoodie in his arms and gave it a tight hug. He lied to himself that the hoodie was Virgil and for a second he believed it, but only a second. “I’m sorry for what I did, Stormcloud.” He whispered to the hoodie, closing his eyes again. “I miss you and I would never take back any of our moments together for anything in the world.” He let out a slow breath and opened his eyes, feeling like he might cry. “But I hope you’re happier now… Truthfully.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking around once more, Janus put the hoodie on the floor in front of Virgil’s door. Then careful to not touch any of the star stickers, he raised his fist and knocked on the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” Virgil muffledly called from inside his room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hearing Virgil’s voice made Janus’ heart jump into his throat, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he knocked on the door again and again until he heard Virgil get up and start towards the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sheesh, what is it?” Groaned Virgil from the other side of the room. Then quieter, “Don’t break my fucking door down…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And even though Janus wanted to see what Virgil did when he saw the hoodie again after so long, he knew he couldn’t be there for his and Virgil’s sake. Just before Virgil got to the door, Janus sunk out again and rose again in his own room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as he was in the safety of his own room, Janus lost what little composure he had left. His breaths quickly became fast and labored and the tears that he had been feeling earlier finally came, spilling down his face like a leaky faucet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s done,” Janus gasped to himself. He wiped away his tears but more followed. “It’s gone and I won’t see it again.” With bleary vision he moved over to his bed and fell on it. “I’ll never see it again.” He repeated, already regretting his decision to give the hoodie back. The hoodie had been his main source of comfort during his and Virgil’s breakup, without it Janus didn’t know what he would do. He had nothing left of Virgil anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blindly removing some of his clothes so that he could be more comfortable, his gloves, his hat, and his cape to name a few, Janus felt like shit. He knew he would feel like shit but he didn’t know that it would feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>bad, worse than the melancholy feeling he had been dealing with of an expired heartbreak. Running his hands through his hair, Janus closed his eyes tightly in an attempt not to cry. “You can move on now.” He told himself, not sure whether or not he was lying. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>can move on now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then slowly, the tears stopped. Though Janus’ eyes stung like they had been cut with shards of glass, at least he had stopped crying. He wrapped his arms around himself and hugged himself as tight as he could. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>will </span>
  </em>
  <span>move on.” He told himself. “Truthfully…”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hahahahaha ANGST ammiright? I really do love this ship but it feels like all I every write for it is angst. This ship just has so many angsty opportunities that I can't pass them by!</p><p>Comments are very much appreciated!!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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